Ive done same thing and im married (to a woman) and Ive find myself looking at gay porn, me always being the "submissive" and even being the victim again and then I feel even more worthless because I don't understand why I would want to relive anything so horrible let alone watch men have sex when I don't feel an attraction to the same sex. I was kept in diapers as a kid until around 8 for bedwetting and then I became attracted to them around 18 or 19 and I view that with shame as I do with porn, as you said it's like an addition to coffee, smokes, booze, etc. I think somehow I find comfort when being "protected" inside a diaper and again I used to believe I was only one who felt that way until the internet and finding there are thousands like that. I just wish I could start childhood over again minus the abuse and see how I would have turned out. BTW, this site has been quite informative and helpful and thanks for everyones support.