Although my crisis with compulsive watching porn and MB is finished I've had still occasionally urges for porn and masturbation but nothing to worry about.
No matter during exchanging some PMs with one friend I wrote something that leaded me to some new discoveries about my addiction and I feel ready to share it with you my brothers.
I was never concerned about morality of those my "forbidden" activities but rather about re-traumatizing myself while I was doing it.
I've been fighting it for long and still I'm not sure how to break that cycle but I know that I want to step out and get some rest.
During some lonely moments I become aware that I have huge deficit in seeing self as worthy person. Many times I'm not at all aware of my needs and worth of me as a person. Not sure why I've become like that.
I must say that I spent couple of years living with my verbally abusive uncle (far from my home) while I was studied and later after I found some temporary job. It lasted for couple of years and has left huge negative impact on me. It is evidence how less I cared for my needs, it was reckless and I didn't manage to chose some better choices but I pushed all my dignity and stayed in place that could easily be called hell.
I don't have answer, I just didn't care for my basic needs nor I have had myself in spot at all.
I obeyed all my uncle's demands in totally submissive fashion many times just to keep him and his household in peace. Sometimes my aunt did manage to use me as some sort of shield against my uncle and pushed us to spend more time together in doing some work outside of house. My uncle was the same toward me and my brother.
He was enjoying in showing other people how he controls us, couple of times he even offered my and my brother's help to third persons without asking our approval in first place, we were like his tools not human beings, he liked to show how good we are (good for others not for him).
When I stayed alone at his place I tried as best as I could but it was never good enough. He is very toxic person and now ten years later I have difficulties to be near him. I can't withstand seeing his negative energy flying towards all around him.
My brother left our uncle's place the first opportunity when he finished his school, he was also sometime explosive when challenged by uncle and sometimes near incident, I was always quiet following mercilessly given instructions.
I need to confess something here, I started watching porn (and gay porn particularly) when I felt totally destroyed by my uncle and without any escape left for me. It started with heavy work from morning till almost night and then I have had just couple of hours for my self during the nights. I was under huge pressure all day long, needed to be careful and to watch on every my step to avoid some troubles, I was trained like the best working dog to do what is expected. Even now many years later I know where some tools are held and what are rules for some things, I know it much better than back to my father's place and I find that fact terrible
I somehow started to watch porn pages during the nights and suddenly I was caught like in trap. My life was so monotonous: working all day long, listening and expecting uncle's attacks and yelling all time long and at nights trying to skip to some fantasy world. I even during the day sometimes needed to skip my reality by imagining some explicit scenes that would give me high drive. I survived like that while I was forced to work on rainy or cold days and when was terrible difficult...
I needed also to go to the army, it lasted only for six months but it was also very challenging time. I wasn't allowed to go my home very often and when I did I was again caught into same cycle helping my uncle during the days and watching porn during the nights, I didn't at all sleep some of those nights although I was very tired.
I was very unhappy and I couldn't talk how I felt. My father knew for some my problems but he never showed some emotions toward me, he was pushing me to be good to my uncle and to be grateful to him because of his "generosity". I tried to say couple of times that me and my brother payed more than enough by working so many days like animals but I was not heard.
When I was the most hurt I just wasn't able to hold and I needed to escape emotional whirlpool where I was brought. It was like desert. I was seen as not good nor worthy person. I was seen and talked like I was stupid, stubborn and impossible to deal with. I was seen as no man enough, like weakling and total waste.
I'm still struggling knowing how deep scars he left in me and how much it hurts me.
Why I'm talking about all this?
Well I want to give huge hug to myself, I want to give support to my self and to say:
Igor (Pero) I love you. I believe in you. I know that you are worthy and good person. I know that you'll always try to pull the best possible from some situation. You are man. You are strong. You are not stupid. You like to offer help and support to your friends and you can offer a lot to others.
Please don't give a damn thing for cowards that were verbally abusive and their toxic words pointed on you.
I love you ((((Igor (Pero)))), you are good man.