I am so very sorry about your pain, Still. You and I are talking about different things, clearly, but it doesn't diminish your misery and I want you to know that I feel horrible for you.

I don't want to add to your burden - life has taken a massive dump on you and I can't change that - I want to recommend something, anything, to change what is happening to you and I feel powerless to do so.

All that being said ... do you have a next step as far as how to change this? What are you doing about it?