I'm gonna briefly glom on something that's been on my mind about CSA, regrets and how I got here with the HIV.

My recovery, particularly ACoA, was going very well, I had a very good rep in my industry (despite no degree in a city full of them) and a gentle giant boyfriend with a brain the size of a planet. When Dad died, it turned things upside down. I moved to be back where I felt his presence (deal with my grief)...and LDRs rarely work.

Hooked up with a poz hottie for three years - a codependent, destructive relationship - and all the sex we could handle. So, yeah, when I'm on this meds thing, my mind sometimes wanders towards what could have been with the gentle giant. Seattle and the commercial aviation industry would have been perfect for me...and, go figure, it had been one of Dad's favorite cities.

I suppose all the more reason to keep a quote from my cousin in mind he gave me Saturday: Life isn't about filling the holes, it's about living with them. There are times I really hate that saying.

Nor was it all bad. This city and environment are 100% me.

In some sense, I feel I've been given another chance to make better choices. Until now, I haven't felt as if I've had the physical energy to do it. And, after 20 years of this, I'm wondering what that will feel like. I'm starting to let myself feel excited and cautiously optimistic. When/if there are tangible changes that will bring it home.