The last few months of last year I felt like I made amazing progress in my recovery. I came closer than I've ever been to making peace with and accepting my self, and more importantly, my younger self. I took the risk of trusting my girlfriend - being completely vulnerable with her, even letting her see me highly triggered and dissociating. Knowing that she was able to handle that, even though it was hard for her, was simply beautiful. I even managed to go a full 2 weeks without any nightmares or flashbacks.
But now, all that wonderful progress, all of my new-found peace, has disappeared into the wind. I don't know what happened. The last 2-3 weeks have been a nightmare of triggers, triggers and more triggers. I don't even know what to write on here. I can't seem to take good advice any more. People tell me all kinds of wonderful things about myself but all it does is to make me feel like they don't get it, or that I must be really good at fooling them. Like my foster father - he had everyone convinced he was a wonderful person. Like my father - his sister still believes he was a great guy, whose only problem was that he sometimes drank a little too much.
People say I should lean on my girlfriend. Good advice, probably, since she's done so well supporting me in the past. But instead of following that advice, I go and pick a fight with her. I don't even remember about what. I don't supposed it mattered, or made any sense. Anything to drive her away from me. She was supposed to go to my T with me tomorrow, but now I don't know...
I don't even know what I want to say with this post. I feel like shit. I hate myself. It seems like I've been feeling this way for weeks. I don't even feel like I deserve to be on here, getting support from you guys any more... I don't know how much more I can stand...
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def LeppardMy Story
, Part 2My blog