Will -

It is rare that I read something here that truly resonates as deeply with my own experience. I usually see long posts and breeze through them quickly, but with yours I had to slow down and pace it out. I was pretty much breathless through a lot of it.

Here's what really resonated with my own experience: while my molester was not forceful physically, he was - like yours - quite manipulative psychologically, to the point that he would threaten to do to my sister what he wanted to do to me (always anal sex - always). I, too, was 12-13, and he was an older teen. My molester got caught, but the adults could not see past their own disgust that I was also his victim - along with my little sister. So my abuse just continued. I suppose that is similar in at least some ways to your own experience of having the molester caught but never brought to justice or at least treatment. And I had been through a lot of therapy about ten years ago. I stopped to get my professional degree, thinking I had been "cured". It turns out I was only bivouacked on a cliff. The Penn State scandal proved me wrong about myself - I was strongly triggered by those events (the adults who just looked away, the victims who were so ashamed that they only came forward when investigators discovered them). And like you, I became a bit of an over-achiever. As I learned more about abuse, about accepting that what happened to me was pretty severe stuff, I thought that the fact I was an achiever and a competitor rather than a drug addict or a suicide statistic was statement in itself that I suffered little after-effects of the experience other than the traumas at the time. I skied, surfed, mountain biked, and still swim about 4-5 miles/week. I've got two degrees from prestigious universities and people call me doctor. And so I see that you, too, were an overachiever - like me, physically active in an outward-bound sense, highly educated, etc. And of course the dread of being with girls - who I would just have crushes on at the drop of a hat - because my sexual fantasies often involved me just reliving my homosexual abuse - then the self-disgust - just propelled me to achieve more and try to prove to myself I was someone different than I thought I was - if that makes any sense. And I still would feel like a perp touching a girl - because I saw my molester touching so many 7-8 year old girls inappropriately. It was better to just embrace being a sexual victim - a role I still cannot find a way to break out of mentally.

I just wanted you to know that what you said really strikes a deep chord with me. I guess that's all I have.
_________________________
Eirik




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