OK,

I've known for some time that I dissociate from my emotions, and when I allow myself to feel I end up getting overwhelmed and hurt by them -- so I try to keep them bottled up, which isn't a workable solution either.

I've had 3 sessions with a new T who specializes in EMDR for DID. We haven't started doing the actual processing yet. We are still discussing my psychic architecture so she knows what's going on.

In my sessions with her and my previous T who referred me to her, those emotions I am afraid to feel have been coming out. It lives in my guts, and I can feel it pushing against my diaphragm. Sometimes it grabs my heart, and that makes me cry.

In our last session, she discussed the concept of a conference table where all my different parts could sit around. That's when I realized that these emotions that I keep bottled up aren't just emotions -- they're a part of me that I've segmented from my primary self.

So if I visualized that part of me, it would be a dark gray sphere with a fuzzy boundary with the word "IS" written on it in white letters. The "is" represents its desire to have its existence acknowledged by the rest of us. So that's why I'm calling him "Izzy." He's my dark emotions.

Now, Izzy can be at the table with Big Cant and Little Cant and maybe we can go from 3 to 2 to 1 of us.

Cant
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Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.