After years of dating men (sometimes exclusively) I can finally say that I am a gay man. And I am so cool with that. Spent years wondering if I was more comfortable dating men because of the sexual abuse from my father and the betrayal / sexual abuse from my mother. Was I born straight and made gay? Should I try to date women? I like women, I like having sex with women even. So I would, and I would act out with men right away. Always wondering "but am I gay?" Am I meant to be gay or am I just punishing myself or trying to recreate my past, which while terrible does carry the comfort of all I knew.
And then I met someone. And it clicked. And I worked my butt off in therapy to be healthy enough to make a relationship work. And I stopped caring why. Because it doesn't matter if I was born gay or born straight or born neither. Not to me anyways. Everything that's happened to me in my life has influenced who I am today - from my genetics to my upbringing, abuse, drug addiction, friends... It's ok. I can let it go and let it be. I am who I am, maybe who I was meant to be, maybe there is no who I was meant to be. And I'm so in love. And so settled.
My name is Benny, I was hurt as a little boy. I am a gay man. A husband, a father, a step father. I am a dynamic, work in progress human being. I almost feel safe to say its all going to be ok. But I'm not quite there yet wink
Snakes in the grass beneath our feet, rain in the clouds above
Some moments last forever, but some flare out with love, love, love