A lot in this I can relate to. So many voices from the past that seem to have a will of their own, a will determined to ruin my sense of self in the present and future. I spend a lot of my time convinced I am secretly evil, that the best I can do is contain the darkness within me until I die. I've had to let go of any notion of time. If I feel like I am racing a clock, than I feel like I am always going to lose. I'm not sure truly moving past this is really possible. For me, it seems like it is a mountain I will always be climbing. But the path does change and even when it is hard I could look back and see how far I've come. So I don't think I will ever move beyond it, but I do hope I will get better at climbing it.
I was the target, not the problem.