A lot in this I can relate to. So many voices from the past that seem to have a will of their own, a will determined to ruin my sense of self in the present and future. I spend a lot of my time convinced I am secretly evil, that the best I can do is contain the darkness within me until I die. I've had to let go of any notion of time. If I feel like I am racing a clock, than I feel like I am always going to lose. I'm not sure truly moving past this is really possible. For me, it seems like it is a mountain I will always be climbing. But the path does change and even when it is hard I could look back and see how far I've come. So I don't think I will ever move beyond it, but I do hope I will get better at climbing it.
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.