I sorta thought that with all the T and group and WoR that finding my voice would be easier. Don't get me wrong, I feel so much stronger and complete than I ever have, but I still struggle to find the sense of entitlement that allows me to express my feelings.
I am in a new relationship with a man I have fallen in love with. In just under three months it has progressed where I feel in a place that as a survivor, I never knew was possible. In love with one man in an open and honest way about me, my past , my present - no secrets. The thing that's tough though is I still feel like I am walking on egg shells. If I do something he is not happy about or feels is not how a man in a relationship should be, i quickly hear about it, often with a tone of frustration, sharpness and even anger. If he does something I am not happy about, I just often say nothing or if he apologizes, just say " that's ok, I see your point, there is nothing to apologize for". WTF?
- fear of losing him
- fear of the anxiety it creates in me to face conflict
- just feeling tired of the roller coaster of emotions i have been thru and just wanting peace
- not being honest with myself about what i want, do i have time for a relationship this soon after coming out?
- i don't feel worthy sometimes, though i know that's just that stupid inner fear voice.
- Is it stupid for a man my age to want to go to gay dances and leather events. Am i making a fool of myself? It feels right to me' I have many new friends I really cherish.
- not understanding the "rules"
I don't know, but I do know I have never felt like this in my life. I only want to be with this one man, for the rest of my life.
How does a survivor find a voice in a relationship? How do I come to peace and feel like I can still be myself instead of bending to the will, wishes and whims of others like I have done my whole life?
Going forward has just taken me back.
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama
WoR Barrie 2011