For simply being BORN.

My dad was developmentally retarded. He forced my mom to marry him (so she tells me) and have a child. This qualifies as rape.

The ugly truth of my birth is that a developmentally retarded man raped a scared teenaged girl, and that's why I was born.

I was born with his disabilities, and I was born with her disability (she's got severe hearing loss).

Ever since I was a child, learning about genetics and how they passed on, I made a decision that I would never pass on my genes to another person. I didn't want them to have the experience I was having growing up.

I was mercilessly teased and bullied at school because I had thick glasses and wore hearing aids. Because of my genetics.

I've grown up severely traumatized; I was bullied at school, neglected by my mother, and molested by my cousin. I was without any real connection to anyone, feeling incredibly lonely, and struggling my entire life to make something valuable of it.

And now I'm middle aged. I'm lonely. I'm frustrated. I'm disconnected. I've spent all my life fighting to recover, and now half of my life is gone. Supposedly the BEST part of my life is GONE. No more youthful vitality to expend. No more good youthful looks. Now I have to deal with aging and getting older and watching my body fall asunder, slowly.

Oh, to top it all off - survivors have shorter life spans due to illness and stress levels.

I am angry that I was born. I don't know how to let go of this anger. I don't know how NOT to feel like a victim of my own genetics. I don't know how to NOT feel resentful that my developmentally retarded father decided it was totally fine to rape a girl to pass on his fucked up genetics for someone else to suffer with.

It's so fucking unfair. I wish I knew how to let go of the resentments, and I wish I knew how to accept that I was born with shitty genetics which have ruined any chance of having a 'normal' life, where I can make something beautiful of it.

My therapist commented early on "It's amazing that you're not a homeless drifter or drug addict" - as if it was something to be proud of.

Most others get the opportunity to make something beautiful of their lives, and be proud of it. Me? I'm supposed to be proud of not making a disaster of out my life.

I feel totally and completely robbed from experiencing the best of what life has to offer. And I am very resentful and very angry. And I am so so lonely and filled with pain.

I hate that I was born, and I hate that I feel like a victim for simply being born.
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If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.