Dear Eager

I don't know if this will be helpful. I did not seek therapy specifically for my CSA. Rather I had an experience when I was 37. That generated a flashback to a episode when I was 12 and obeyeed my mother to negotiate with my father to tell her he loved her.

I started crying and continued to cry for about 4 days. The tears were so overwhelming that I could not even walk a straight line.

When I began the therapy I thought my mother was an innocent victim, and my father was a monster (because of his physical abuse and rage). When he insisted I reevaluate my mother, I reported back an example of her having me undress and pose for her photographer friend.

This, the therapist explained to me was incest. He explained that I could spend thousands of dollars and years of therapy and it might not work anyway. Alternatively I could do cognitive behavioural therapy and be patched up and continue wounded.

It lasted 6 to 9 months and gave some coping skills so that many of the experiences of my childhood could be remembered and coped with. Within 3 year I was suicidal and going back to the therapist. He said this would do nno good if I didn't stop drinking.. This lead to my getting sober and also began a process of doing less well financially. So I used the mental health services which were available from my health insurance.

This continued with the CBT and finally I accepted meds. I developed a variety of technologies to cope and peeled some of my most severe disabilities away. (such as knowing that if I were living alone, then when I came into my apartment, then I did not have to protect myself from "them" when I entered.)

After 10 years of slow deterioration, I changed therapy, to get psychotherapy.

How has it helped? I no longer maintain a psychotic delusions. I am scrupulous about taking my meds. I no longer minimize the effect of my abuse, nor believe I was complicit in all of the sexual abuse, which began when I was 10 and continued till I was 17, through five different abusers. For example when I was 13, I was sick and the man (twice my age) my mother had taking care of me molested me. But, I got him to mail the valentine to my girl friend.

So I had "agreed" to his sucking me off and lick my body in exchange for his mailing my valentine.

So, if this is helpful, I hope you can use it.



Edited by genedebs (01/22/13 11:39 AM)