Gecko - thanks for sharing your journey with us.
Everyone else thanks for your comments - they are for me too.

I think it must be an issue for all of us who have suffered incest.

Even though I often say I look more like my mother that isn't the reality (I do look the most like my mother but I still look more like my father). When I see pictures of the four of us all lined up (And there are many - every wedding, every special occation) all I see is how much alike we all look and EVERYONE comments on it. All the same height give or take 2" (I am the tallest now), same build, all with the same blue eyes etc etc. My father (as I have just come to realise) sexually abused us all and both my brothers have abused not just me but other kids as well. They are ALL pedophiles. It runs in my family!

I have not talked about this much here for fear of judgement but I have had vivid nightmares of sexually abusing my own kids and it is a REAL fear of mine - that I will become just like the rest of the men in my family. And it doesn't matter how many people tell me that I am not them, I am not the same as them - it stares me in the face every time I look in the mirror. I see THEM looking back at me.

I have spent the last 2 days working in the paddocks of my farm on my tractor crying uncontrolably - where noone could see or hear me. This song came onto my iPod several times and REALLY helped me get out of that hole.

It is Family Tree by Matthew West http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-opi1Qre8Cc

The lyrics that speak the most are ....

You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And now you're left with all these questions
Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was
Do you have to carry what they handed down?
......

I dedicate this song to all survivors of incest and I hope it speaks to you as it did me.
BTW they used this song on The Vampire Diaries soundtrack which is just scary for obvious reasons.

Lee

I have not and will not harm any child!


Edited by Farmer Boy (01/21/13 08:04 PM)
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More than meets the eye!