Hi, my brothers,
Well, my brother, Jeff our pain, shame & guilt never seem to ease up on us then boys, now men.
Unfortunately, there is no magic elixir, no magic pills, no magic legal substance (alcohol) or illegal substance (drugs) that will help us "get over this." Even for some of us there is no divine intervention, nothing to believe in anymore.
It gets pretty hard for us to believe in ourselfs, believe in our innocence and goodness. When we give up all hope in ourselfs and hope in our brothers here, we surely put ourselfs in a very dangerous situation & place.
I spend a lot of time here in MS wondering about my value to my brothers here. I hurt like most of us do when we realise that sometimes it seems that we offer them false hope. Hope that we can bring each other along by sharing a piece of our heart & soul. Sharing in our deepest pains & fears.
If at times I cannot help myself, then how could I ever hope to be able to help others?
I guess that we all were a part of a ritual in our youth. Satanist or otherwise.
The one hope that I hang on to is that in dealing with my brothers here is that they will see in themselves their "innocence" in all of those other things that went along with us being emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually abused young boys. Our complete & total "innocence." No matter what unspeakable other things that some of us had to do in order to survive those things that in our innocence & immaturity we could never comprehend nor understand.
If it involved doing things to other young boys & girls, who were "innocent victims, just like we were." We hold no responsibility for those actions. Or offering our bodies, to other adults, in order for us to prove our love for those whom chose to to offer us what we considered was their love & caring.
Our importance to each other here in MS is because of our compassion, understanding, hope & love for one another. We have walked in each others shoes in various ways. We very much need each other.
Nobody ever told us that our journey to that elusive goal to becoming a "survivor" was going to be easy. One thing for sure, at least for me is that I need each & every one of you on my journey. You too my brother, Jeff. You never were a shitty kid, you never were a monster. But, like the rest of us here you were an "innocent" young boy who is now a man. Very much needed by me.
My thoughts & feelings for what it may be worth, and probably like most of my posts doesn't make much sense to anyone.
Wishing & hoping that my brothers here the best in healing, compassion, understanding, love & hope.
"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Edited by petercorbett (01/20/13 04:20 PM)
Edit Reason: added an important word.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.