You are not to blame. And (in my opinion), you don't have to love her. Love and forgiveness are gifts, and we sometimes happier and healthier if we decide to give those gifts -- but since they are gifts, no one can force us to give them.
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.