I read it all the time here, CSA doesn't change your innate sexuality. I ask this of everyone here? How do I come to know what innate sexuality is when the sexual abuse started at 5 years old? There is no possibility of ever knowing what my innate sexuality was supposed to be.
I still struggle with sexual addictions. It feels like a prison. It feels like I am cutting myself open every time I fall back into it. I have never known healthy masturbation, healthy attraction, healthy sex or whatever you call it. I look at sex with complete disgust, because as much as I want to say that I see it differently, I don't. Al I see is usury. Does anyone make love? Does that even exist?
I feel like I am sitting on the outside, the last kid picked for dodge ball. Because I don't understand relationships, I don't ever see myself loving someone the way others seem to do so easily. Why? I have no idea. I know too much about human behavior, and I can see someone's thinly veiled motives just in talking to them briefly. I analyze and pick people apart, and I hate it. I don't want to know what I know, but I developed this ability because the world was once a scary place. My boundaries were shattered, and I have never recovered them.
Heal well brothers.
I am the warrior.