I don't know quite where to start.

I was abused. I don't remember when dad started, or when it finally ended. I don't remember most of the abuse.

I haven't been happy in a long time. I just finished losing my job, and am currently reaching the bottom of my latest self-destructive cycle. I'm trying to plan what happens next. I have three choices:

1) Kill the monster.

2) Kill myself.

3) Survive.

The attraction of the first is obvious. The man who was supposed to be my father was instead my boogy-man. He raped me over and over again. He still walks free. I could show him my wrath. I could make him pay.

The attraction of the second is also obvious. It's a way out of a life that has been filled with pain and shame. The man I would have become, the me that should have been, was murdered in my childhood. I am a poor reflection of that unsullied me.

The attraction of the third is not only obvious, but also a genetic imperative. I want to survive.

Of the three I want to choose the third, but I am broken. My responses to situations are rarely beneficial ones. I shut down to avoid conflict. I don't think that I deserve happiness or prosperity.

So I need help. But help from another human being is the last thing I trust. The first people that I trusted fucked me, one litterally and one figuratively. So I don't trust other people, I don't look for help, I don't survive.

I'm trying to break out of my self-destructive patterns. I'm reaching out for help. To you. To everyone.

I'm scared, and I'm in pain.

I would like to hear from all of you. Tell me how you got through this. Tell me how you're getting through this. Help me try to understand how to get through.

I've been thinking about getting help for awhile. I want you guys to help me. Show me the first step.

(dan)