Itís been awhile since I posted here. The reason is that Iím happy. Iíve been happy before, for short periods, though things often went south pretty quickly after. This is the first time I can say that Iím happy with my life, and honestly feel my future will be even brighter. Itís due 100% to my boyfriend of over a year, mentioned in the above post, a kind, devoted, gentle, wonderful man. Then, why am I writing now? Itís because the same problems referenced in my original post persist.
I have ED. Iíve gone to a doctor, a urologist I still regularly see, who confirmed there seems to be no physical cause. Iím on daily medication, small doses of Cialis, which works with maybe 70-80% effectiveness. Iíve quit smoking, seven months now. I work out about five hours a week. Thereís no doubt now that the cause is the frequent sexual abuse I suffered as a child of eight, nine and ten. Iíve done everything I can to try to get better. My boyfriend doesnít know, though he knows of my past. Iím afraid of his reaction, even if some part of me thinks he suspects, and is choosing to look the other way. I doubt heíll be angry, but at the least it will take some of the passion out of our sex, which will probably be counter-productive.
I may see a therapist, only because I will do anything possible not to lose this man, who means everything to me, who I canít live without. But please donít lecture me in your responses about not being in therapy now. At eight-years-old I stopped speaking almost entirely, lost almost all my social skills. At eighteen, I started again, and in a few years I was a charming, funny, sane guy. At thirty one, my life is finally pretty good. I can do a lot on my own too. I just would like to hear stories from others who have dealt with this. For the first time ever, I want to enjoy sex. This basic human pleasure was unfairly stolen from me. Please tell me that I can get it back. Thanks.