It’s been awhile since I posted here. The reason is that I’m happy. I’ve been happy before, for short periods, though things often went south pretty quickly after. This is the first time I can say that I’m happy with my life, and honestly feel my future will be even brighter. It’s due 100% to my boyfriend of over a year, mentioned in the above post, a kind, devoted, gentle, wonderful man. Then, why am I writing now? It’s because the same problems referenced in my original post persist.

I have ED. I’ve gone to a doctor, a urologist I still regularly see, who confirmed there seems to be no physical cause. I’m on daily medication, small doses of Cialis, which works with maybe 70-80% effectiveness. I’ve quit smoking, seven months now. I work out about five hours a week. There’s no doubt now that the cause is the frequent sexual abuse I suffered as a child of eight, nine and ten. I’ve done everything I can to try to get better. My boyfriend doesn’t know, though he knows of my past. I’m afraid of his reaction, even if some part of me thinks he suspects, and is choosing to look the other way. I doubt he’ll be angry, but at the least it will take some of the passion out of our sex, which will probably be counter-productive.

I may see a therapist, only because I will do anything possible not to lose this man, who means everything to me, who I can’t live without. But please don’t lecture me in your responses about not being in therapy now. At eight-years-old I stopped speaking almost entirely, lost almost all my social skills. At eighteen, I started again, and in a few years I was a charming, funny, sane guy. At thirty one, my life is finally pretty good. I can do a lot on my own too. I just would like to hear stories from others who have dealt with this. For the first time ever, I want to enjoy sex. This basic human pleasure was unfairly stolen from me. Please tell me that I can get it back. Thanks.