I am ready to tell more.....
First I think I should explain that I really didn't have much to do with him growing up. He was more like an uncle or older cousin than a brother. He did not show me any attention apart from the abuse. He lived with us every other weekend. I looked up to him. To me he was an adult - at 15-16 he was adult size. When he showed me affection in this way I lapped it up because I was never included in any big boy games and NEEDED to feel accepted loved. Dad ignored or verbally abused me. I thought I was special and loved him and I was sad when it stopped. I felt used and abandoned.
One of the things that I didn't meantion is that I found out that HE IS A CONVICTED CHILD SEX OFFENDER and on 'the list'. He also touched his 8 year old half sister's (on his mum's side) vagina on the outside once (accordingto him) - for this he was convicted and ordered to pay damages. She got $5000 in damages plus court costs. She pressed the charges 12 years ago (roughly 19 years after the fact).
This has really rattled me for a few reasons.
1. This makes it REAL. He wasn't just a mixed up teenage boy who made a mistake once. Between me, my other brother and his half sister that is three victims that he has admitted too. I was the youngest but my other brother was abused more frequently.
2. I was not 'special' - I was available
3. What he did to me was 'worse' than what he did to her and she got paid damages
4. He was obviously 'playing' me - telling me what he thought I needed to hear so I wouldn't press charges. So how can I trust anything he said???
I had always said that I didn't want to press charges even at 11 when I told my pastor and parents. (who chose to do NOTHING) After hearing about the case at first I said I didn't want to put myself or my family through that - plus he is already on the list so me coming forward isn't going to be any more help to other future victims.
I did/do truly believe that he has changed and is not a risk to anyone.
But then I started to think ..... how much is it worth??? What he did to me. What about all the pills and doctors and T sessions. Doesn't he owe me that. Plus he inherited a lot of money $100,000s of dollars from my uncle and I got nothing (through a family misunderstanding that was not anything to do with me). I have to admit that I wanted revenge. I wanted him to pay.
Then when i realised that (even though he IS a pathetic indiviual) he was trying really hard to get the sympathy vote. His whole sob story about his background and the abuse that led up to it and how the stuff he did to us wasn't his fault really - but he still takes responsibility for it and is sorry.
I knew he would try to minimize what he did. But the reality of sitting there with him talking about it in a normal conversation type voice - very matter of fact. It really got into my head. I didn't let it show in front of him. I made sure I stuck to the plan and didn't let him off the hook. But afterwards - on the way home I started to think that I had it all wrong - it wasn't really that bad - so he made me suck his thing and touch him etc - it didn't really do me any harm. His life is worse than mine so it can't have affected me that much. What is the big deal?
This made me more mad.
But now I have come to accept that I do not want to put myself through court. It will not help my recovery.
I think I can still forgive him and being realistic he was only a teenager who didn't fully understand the damage he was causing. But he was old enough to know it was wrong and I will not take any resposibility for what happened - it is ALL on him. It was his fault. He should have known better. He used me as a toy to practice on and that is NOT ok.
While he has tried to minimise what he did I do think he is actually sorry for what he did. (at least for the way it affected his own life - depression, crimial charges/court, suicide attemps, failed marriages).
I am willing to be the bigger person here. I will forgive him. Not because he deserves it but because it is in my power to do so. I deserve it.
Looking back that has more to do with being a 'real' man than my physical appearance or worldly status.
More than meets the eye!