I guess you could call it consent, because I initiated it, but I was raised from 7 to want it from him. I couldn't control myself, I found myself wanting it so badly, sex. And during that year I guess you could say I consented to having sex with him, even after he said sorry and even after he promised not to do anything sexual with me anymore.
I feel like I am the problem, I couldn't control myself, even when the abuse stopped I seeked it out. How can I be resentful towards him after he apologized to me and vowed not to hurt me anymore? And I couldn't turn it off. I couldn't get out of that abuse.
I mean in reality we talked it out, the abuse. I confronted him, but I never told him how much he hurt me, like what the abuse did to me. I just told him I would've never done those things had I not thought he loved me, and that that hurt me. I didn't have a word to call what he did to me growing up. But he told me he never meant to hurt me and that he was sorry. And I forgave him. But during that year, I couldn't keep from having sex with him, the urge was too strong. I'd done it all my life, it wasn't just something I could turn off. I craved his love, that closeness I thought we had, and sex was how I knew he still cared. It happened about 4 times that year. Then I met my ex, and he taught me what abuse was and how horrible it was, and it all clicked and I realized how fucked up my cousin made me, all the damage he caused. So I cut contact with him and now I feel like I'm supposed to hate him. It's just really confusing.
What I do know is that my cousin sexually abused me. I know sometimes I liked it, and sometimes I wanted it. But I know I was never in control, I was always controlled. Sex was for the most part not my choice. I was manipulated and used.
But what I think I also know is that my cousin did love me, and he never meant to hurt me. He was only 2.5 years older than me, how could he know the ramifications of his selfish actions? But it became a thing we just did, it was just something we did, and when he got older he should've stopped, but he didn't. I don't think he questioned it, it just was what it was. But he damaged me so deeply because of his selfishness. But it was a mistake. A huge huge mistake. From what I know of him, and what he told me, this seems to be the most probable story.
So my dilemma is, I can forgive him, easily. But it feels like if I were his friend, I'd end up going back to sex. (I don't think I would knowing what I know now, but it feels like I would) Also, I don't know of any survivors who are friends with their abusers. It sounds outlandish and crazy for some reason that I would forgive my abuser and still be friends with him.
But again, I don't know anything for certain. I'd have to talk to him to find out the truth, and even then he could be lying to me. How could I ever know if he was telling the truth?
And for the record, yes I am seeing a therapist and I'm in a group.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein