That's some mixed up feelings you have there! We can't help the things that we feel & I'm told that feelings toward an abuser are somewhat common. It's also common to feel attraction towards someone based on a similarity to another person you are attracted to. Now, I'm no doctor, but I imagine that all these feelings are normal... Albeit a bit/very unsettling at times. I know that this likely doesn't help, but just know that you are not alone!
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The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson