yep - definitely had mixed feelings for all my abusers - except the stranger who molested me in a fitting room. for him - there was nothing but fear, confusion and disgust.

for the step-dad - i feared and hated him but longed to be loved and accepted by him - but i never got a single word or act of kindness from him. when i was in my 30s he died and i wept for the fatherly relationship that i had never had.

the bullies at school and scouts - i feared and despised them - but more strongly longed to be liked and accepted by them - and desperately wanted to be just like them.

on grooming - at one time i even envied the pretty boy who was obviously being groomed by a pedo teacher - while at the same time i was disgusted and horrified by what i knew must have been going on in secret - because i mistook that treatment for love and belonging.

so - yes - VERY mixed feelings - not because any of the abusers treated me well, but the opposite - because i wished they would. i'd have done nearly anything they wanted - willingly - if i'd gotten from them the affection i craved. i guess it's good they all treated me like crap - it might have been even worse!


Edited by traveler (01/13/13 04:33 AM)
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago