yep - definitely had mixed feelings for all my abusers - except the stranger who molested me in a fitting room. for him - there was nothing but fear, confusion and disgust.
for the step-dad - i feared and hated him but longed to be loved and accepted by him - but i never got a single word or act of kindness from him. when i was in my 30s he died and i wept for the fatherly relationship that i had never had.
the bullies at school and scouts - i feared and despised them - but more strongly longed to be liked and accepted by them - and desperately wanted to be just like them.
on grooming - at one time i even envied the pretty boy who was obviously being groomed by a pedo teacher - while at the same time i was disgusted and horrified by what i knew must have been going on in secret - because i mistook that treatment for love and belonging.
so - yes - VERY mixed feelings - not because any of the abusers treated me well, but the opposite - because i wished they would. i'd have done nearly anything they wanted - willingly - if i'd gotten from them the affection i craved. i guess it's good they all treated me like crap - it might have been even worse!
Edited by traveler (01/13/13 04:33 AM)
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho