Hey hows it going everyone.
I am not sure where to start so I figured I would just write everything and see where that gets me.
What brought me here
I have just gotten out of a two year relationship. A two year relationship with a great guy, who never did anything to wrong me, and I believe would never have hurt me. Unfortunately I can't say the same for myself. I hurt him, I broke his heart and all because I could not talk to him, I could not be honest.
I remember I woke up worrying about my abuse one morning, in silent tears and I got out of bed and lay on the floor crying, not wanting to wake him. He woke up and was concerned for me, he wanted to help me. I guess this is when I should have realised my matter of fact "I was abused but its fine, I am not angry I have forgiven him its all good" was not really true.
I always worried that he didn't love me. That is where the cheating started. I would go online and see out guys, at first innocently enough just fishing for compliments but over time and when I was angry I guess, I needed to feel love so I would look for sex. I cheated on him maybe half a dozen times in the last year. Most of the time, it was awful. I couldn't actually do it and I would leave half way through, I knew it wasn't what I needed/wanted. I found myself feeling that my Boyfriend didn't love me. Minor issues in my head became deal breakers, he was treating me like crap and so I would go in search of sex.
It all came out in the end and the sad/scary thing is, he understood. He understood more than me. I could not bring myself to admit to him what he knew. I felt so much shame, but he knew that it all had to do with my abuse and that I had healing and growing to do. "If you only talked to me" he said. This hurt more as I know he is right if I only talked to him, but I couldn't. I can't.
I have not told anyone the full extent of what happened, how I was feeling, until now. But I struggle with this, even know I find myself online talking with guys, looking for friendship, but when the loneliness creeps in I start thinking that sex would make me feel loved.
My abuse happened to me at school, my teacher when I was 7 or 8 or 9. I can't remember, or I don't want to remember. Mr A was apparently such a great teacher, everyone was so pleased to be in his class. I quickly became one of his favourites and it started, we would be put on his knee in class and he would touch us. I have fragments of memories of him coming into the swimming pool changing area and watching us get undressed and changed. I don't know if I want to know more. My most vivid memory was the day the police came. I was on his knee when they came in, caught red handed if you like. I remember the look on the police officers and principals faces.
It was then off to counselling, where I was told to imagine he was a pillow and to attack him and yell and scream and draw pictures of him as a monster. Why I wondered, I liked him, he was nice to me, I was special to him.
Me and a friend were taken out of the counselling and into private stuff were I learnt that what essentially has manifested in my life as sex/touching is bad. I became ashamed of what happened. A couple of years later in class my friend from counselling announced that we had both been abused. I was mortified. Why did he tell them, they shouldn't know that.
Then became the years of hiding and denial of both the abuse and my sexuality. I finally came out to myself when I was 21. Since then I have lurched from one relationship to another, seeking solace in other men. I do well in a relationship, I am made to feel special, but like clockwork after two years something is wrong and I sabotage, I convince myself in my head there are problems.
I hate being touched by my partner too, I need to be in control know what is happening. It caused such stress in all my relationships. My partners could feel me pulling away. Issues in our sex lives went unaddress, I was too scared to discuss the topic, too scared to talk about anything. I would find myself waiting for my partner to fall asleep so I could masturbate.
I get angry for no reason and ashamedly hit my partner one night. More often than not, I just yell. He even knew that this was nothing and that I would calm down. More and more I hate myself for loosing him, what have I thrown away.
Since my partner and I broke up I have started thinking/looking at the lasting effects my abuse has had. I am not angry at my teacher. I am not angry about it. I just want/need to understand how is this impacting on my life now, my relationships. I can't keep hurting people. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't recognise myself anymore. I hate myself for what I did and am finally realising I threw about something that was really special.
My hope is that through this website I can find my map, start navigating these mysteries and issues and navigate my path out of here. But at the moment, I don't know what to do.
I find myself looking for comfort in strangers and sex and I know this is not the path for me to take.
I just want someone to listen to me, to help me, to understand me.
I am looking to go and see a counsellor, but I wonder if I will find more solace here.
So if you can help, step forward, send me your words of power, help me find the light.