I have felt and sometimes feel that way that you do. I ended up writing (more than a dozen times) before sending a letter to my abuser.
In the end, at least for me, was that I had to acknowledge that regardless of what was said, how my body and mind responded, my abuser was wrong and I was not at fault.
I also had to acknowledge that my abuser was repeating learned behavior. He had learned it so well, that he perpped me and others.
He was never brought to justice. I know that in the end, though, he will!
My heart sometime cries for me and for him. He's such an old bitter man with no desire for inner peace because he's had to live with it for a long long time. I hated him and loved him, as he was there when my mom had cancer and able to help me to not have the adult responsiblity that a 9 year old should have in caring for farm animals, house keeping and caring for 4 younger siblings. But he knew what he was doing and took advantage of my innosence.
To that end, knowing that he needs to break his cycle of abuse, he needs to find forgiveness. I've offered it. I also understand that it may be just for today. I don't have control over tomorrow and triggers may happen when I am at my weakest level. I don't know if what I have shared is helpful. In the end, you, above all else, has to have peace.
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Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.