dear K C

**Trigger**

I spent a long time refusing to consider my mother an abuser. However, when I was 12 she had me undress for her friend the phtographer so he could take pictures. When I was naked and he continued to take pictures and she told him to cut the pictures down. This seemed like somethjing was the matter with me, particularly since I ahd an erection. She said it was just that I shouldn't be embarrassed when I saw the pictures when I was older.

This I now know was abuse. And yes I have very mixed feelings about my mother. For example, it was not abuse when I told my parents that I had been abused by a friend of my mother. She asked if I enjoyed being penetrated and I said no it hurt. She said then you are allright. It was a very hurtful and denigrating action on my mothers part. At least 25 years later she admitted she felt guilty about her friend raping me. And although she was a narcisist and couldn't love anyone, she was as close to love as I got from anybody.

My brother who never felt he did anything wrong because he didn't do anything to my little brother and me that wasn't done to him. I am less willing to accept a mixed feeling about him.

My mother explained to me her business partner was exploring his sexuality. This meant to me I should participate in sex with him so he could figure that out. I ended up sucking him off on two occasions. I do not despise him. He was confused, I was confused and he was needy. But the fact that he was 12 years older than I was, I felt that I had been as involved in it as he had been. He had been helpful in my learning many other things about education and urban systems and music. So it was all mixed up. Feeling special to be a learner and to be used.

I know our sytories are not the same, but perhaps seeing my confusion might help.