I'm going through something, yet can't articulate literally what it is exactly. I will try to surrender, as much as I can, with the intent all who read these words, will offer up solutions.
I've been sober for since December 2, 2005. Within the last few months I have noticed a change, and I'm experiencing some disturbances. It seems my emotional foundation is beginning to shift (a great thing I believe). I can only image that the physical self is attempting to begin the emotional healing process. I sense also that it's time to release the fears that have haunted me for decades.
From the age of 5 until my teens, I had encountered the obsessions of others. (please note: as an individual in recovery I don't feel the need to be graphic as it may trigger someone, while they are reading post) after and while still a teenager i began to abuse self..throughout the decades and until I turned 42 my way of dealing with the pain was simply to self medicate. I used drugs, alcohol, food and sex to relieve some pain, the way an individual would take a an over the counter pain reliever, to ease their pain.
Needless to say I sabotaged most of my many wonderful opportunities, which is why I am here (NOW) surrendering.
As I begin this much needed process of healing, I sense it's best to surrender that I'm some what apprehensive. I just don't want to sabotage my 7yrs in recovery by allowing the emotional discomfort to push me out. To be honest I may have prolonged this, yet I am ready to face my fears head on, to encourage myself. I need to be strong, for Me (when in the past No One took on that responsibility).
I don't have a sponsor nor friends that I trust to share openly what exactly troubles me. I also don't feel comfortable sharing in meetings what I've shared with you all today.
There was a therapist but I let them go because they weren't helping. As much as I wanted to discuss my childhood they would begin the session asking me about the day which would side track me into taking about other topics, even when I suggested that they should develop a plan...I Just felt they were not skilled in the area of childhood sexual abuses and only was interested in securing time to charge my insurance company (a theory yet valid in my opinion).
As a result I have found my way to this site and while writing there's a comfort which has me sensing, I'm in the right(space) place.
Thanks for letting me share.