You are just one of us. It is a struggle for an estimated one-third of all male csa survivors. Some perpetrate, others don't. We do not ostracize those who struggle, nor consider them the enemy.
You suggested it was a good thing that you were using drugs or alcohol to cope. That is so true. But think of your struggle as one similar to getting clean and sober. There is for most of us times when we think about or are temped to drink or use.
I have been sober for 21 years. Just because you can't help thinking about it doesn't mean you have to do it.
But it must be talked about, you have to find people who will listen and help you and support you. As long as you donot act of the temptation you ARE NOT THE ENEMY. yOU ARE JUST ONE OF US. Since I have been on this site I have learnwed we all have a different story, and we all are just the same.
No one requires that you take risks before you are ready. It is your decision. Any of us know what you think, although that may come in time, But you do have power over how you act ansd what you disclose.
Please join us in the struggle.