I decided that I had to just write this all out since I can't stop thinking about it.

I think I was three or four when it started. I remember lying in bed with my dad's hands down my pants and watching him pull his erect penis out of his pants. I remember him shoving it in my mouth and choking while he did it. I couldnt really take it, the sides of my mouth would rip a little and bleed when he forced himself inside my mouth. I would choke and gag and I remember tears running down my cheeks. I remember him grabbing my hair and pushing my head forward as he did it.

I think i was five or six when he first raped me. The oral sex and fondling had been happening for a long time at least a couple years before he decided that wasnt enough. I remember him putting his fingers in me and it hurting a little bit and him whispering to me and telling me to relax so it would hurt less. And then I remember him bending me over the bed and forcing himself inside me. I remember I was screaming and begging until he put his hand over my mouth. He bit my shoulders while he was raping me. I remember looking in the mirror the next day and seeing all the bruises.

He started hurting me more and more as I got older. He liked to have me lie on my back on the bed while he raped me and choked me until I almost passed out. He started bending me over his knee naked and spanking me with a hand or with a hairbrush until my butt was on fire and I was crying and crying and begging him to stop spanking me. Then he would tell me he was going to spank me until I stopped crying. So I learned to stop crying while he spanked me. He was hard while he spanked me I could feel his erection pressing against me while he did. Other ways he liked to hurt me were objects. He had a large flashlight that he would force inside of me and he would tell me to take it all the way in. It made me bleed really badly every time that he did that. He would sometimes twist my testicles while he was forcing me to masturbate him. I couldnt help screaming when he did that. He would rape me and hurt everywhere he touched, he would leave bruises from his touch all over my chest and back. He would bite me while we had sex. I was always hurting. He would sometimes burn my inner thighs with a lighter and tell me that if I didn't hold still and let that happen he would burn my penis. I ddn't move I just went away in my head. He had a small knife and he would make little cuts on my inner thighs and sometimes on my penis. He really hurt me.

He wasn't always violent and that was even more confusing. He would be really gentle and touch me nicely and I am ashamed to admit that he made me have orgasms while we had sex gently and he touched me at the same time. It was weird though because I started getting hard even while he was being really violent. He said that was proof that I wanted it to happen.

He would always make comments whenever we weren't having sex when I was just around the house. He would tell me he liked my tight little body and he couldn't wait until the next time he was inside me. He would degrade me and tell me I was filthy and needed a good punishment. Usually when he told me I needed a punishment that was a clue he was going to be really rough and punish me with the flashlight or with a spanking that night.

Sometimes he would cry while he was having sex with me. Usually it was when he was being gentle or if he made me bleed really bad. He would say "I'm so sorry, baby I'm so sorry" as he was raping me or holding me after he had hurt me very badly. Sometime he would say "I can't stop oh I can't stop" while he was having sex with me. He seemed to feel very guilty and conflicted sometimes but sometimes he just seemed very angry.

When I was about eight I think, my aunt started doing weird things to me. She is my dads sister. She would come over to babysit me while my parents worked and tell me I needed a bath even when I didnt. I loved her because she showed me a lot of affection so I feel very guilty about what happened. In the bath she would put soap on her hand and rub my junk for a long time. I would always get erect and she would smile at me when that happened. I didnt understnad this was abuse for a long time because she told me she was cleaning me. She also walked around the house naked and wanted me to watch her. She said being naked was natural and we should appreciate each others bodies. A few times she laid on my parents bed and showed me her vagina because she said I needed to learn how to please a lady someday. She rubbed herself and showed me how to touch a vagina. I just recently realized she had an orgasm from those encounters since she was masturbating. I didnt understand she was doing anything wrong when I was little.

I told my mom about the abuse from my dad when I was eleven. She told me it was my fault and that she couldnt feel too bad for me since I hadnt tried to make it stop. she also said that I must be gay. I don't have a problem with gay people I just am straight though, and I didnt even really understand what she meant by that at eleven. I just knew she was blaming me.

My dad kept hurting me until I was seventeen. That was my senior year in high school. He was diagnosed with liver disease that summer before. I could tell before that he was getting somewhat ill. He started having sex with me less and less and he wasnt being near as violent with me. The last time I think happened a few weeks before my eighteenth birthday. And he didnt do it again after that. That was a year ago.

A couple months ago he started touching my genitals and talking about how he was going to fuck me hard. I was in shock because he hadn't done it in almost a year and I didnt want it to happen. I started crying and saying "Please no please no". He tried to kiss me and he stopped and told me that I looked like I was dead inside and he couldnt do this to me. He hasnt really touched me since then. I still live with him and my mom but he doesn't do anything now but make comments and put his hands on my shoulders and back a lot. Sometimes he kisses me but not so sexual. I am still scared of him even though he is getting very ill. I am hoping to find a job soon and move out so I can be safe for sure.

Thats my story I feel very drained.