To me, love is something that was tainted from an early age. The violations were all because my abuser "loved" me.

I have probably only truly loved about 3 times in my 40 years, as far as I can relate to the feeling. Each time brings about fears of rejection, abandonment, the wanting to trust.

If I do trust the person enough to open up, I break down all my defenses and it ends up leading to them not understand, not being able to cope with my emotions, and eventually them leaving. In the process it leaves me a complete mess, my emotions raw, reverting to self harm, thoughts about suicide as a means to no longer have to feel, and then having to put the pieces together on my own.

Once again the cycle repeats until i am stupid enough to let someone else in.