Welcome to the club, Luftraumm,
It is a weird kindred spirit we share with each other. It's unfortunate we need to be here, and I'm glad you found us.
Little did I know that the online monicker I used in chat rooms 20+ years ago would become a symbol for what I've had to do as I've gotten older. Magellan, after Ferdinand Magellan, the 1st person to circumnavigate the globe.
I took on the monicker Magellan, as teenage spunk idea that I was an explorer of the human soul. I had no idea how true that statement would become.
Indeed, I have had to become the explorer of the human soul simply to understand myself, understand others, and understand what life means to me. It's taken me a long time, and I'm no where near being finished.
Glad you're here. Keep posting, and read a ton, too. You'll learn a lot about yourself in the process. It will be hellish at times, but in the end, if you persist and keep at it, you're guaranteed new levels of awareness you would be surprised by.
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.
Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM