Hi Jason,

I hope this helps a little. I can just offer my experience, listen supportively and offer you encouragement and hope that your life can get better.

I for one (and I know others who'd say this too) am glad you are here and talking about your attractions to children and being lonely and everything else. You are not at all "the enemy". Myself, and many other male survivors I've talked to usually have various aspects of their sexual attractions and behavior that are somehow troublesome. All kinds of stuff--it would be a long list to summarize. It's hard to talk about, and hard to find someone who can listen and be helpful in response. But they are out there. And likely here too.

About "attractions"... Thoughts and feelings don't hurt anyone. I... most men I would guess, have attractions that it would be unwise to act on for some reason or another. Most handle it without the slightest difficulty. You've shown here a definite preference not to act on that. I know survivors with attractions to children they manage so they never risk acting on them. That's really the only choice.

If that's your intention, I think you'll find a lot of therapists who'd be happy to help you work on that. You're understandably worried about reporting. I trained as a sexual assault advocate and am a mandatory reporter when acting as such. (not "off duty" like at a party). I also can tell you, there's no reporting about something that didn't clearly happen, and when you can't identify the exact child who was abused. I've never reported anything but that was our instruction.
Actually, Jason, you have a huge protection here I was taught as well as an advocate but it applies to therapists too. Saying anything unauthorized by you alone about your treatment and what you disclose there that's NOT required by law is a violation of your confidentiality. Ask Ken but that is a HUGE professional violation that every therapist I know takes very seriously. So breaking that confidentiality is no small matter and you should be able to discuss this very straightforwardly with your therapist. My sense is that most therapists are far more worried about serious consequences from breaking confidentiality than from not reporting.

Originally Posted By: jasondoe101
I'm not sure if it's worth it.


I know you're wondering if it's worth talking to your therapist about, but it makes me think of something I've written about and heard come up many times in a support group I lead for a few years... Boys usually don't tell about being sexually abused, or aren't believed or helped if they do. They go silent, and stay silent and become men who've never talked about "it". Believe me, I know there are a lot of after effects.

Since you're just "getting this off your chest". You made a few posts here. Good question. Is it worth talking about "it"?

How does this work? Well, I can just tell you how it works for me, and what I perceive about others.

In short. You have to talk about it a lot. About the abuse, explore all the effects and issues. And get helpful, supportive responses, not stuff that you feel shamed, mis-understood or isolated by. Therapists can be good, but that relationship is more or less not like "real life" which is a benefit and a limitation. It costs money ( a LOT for me) and it's time-limited and only there on a schedule.

Expecting that from your partner or friends is expecting probably, likely too much. It takes a lot of talking and time which probably is burdensome for them. And your relationship with them. And, particularly, if you've not experienced abuse, it can be hard to understand and perhaps frankly, not so interesting to hear about say, 2-5 hours a week. So, they may respond in a not-so-helpful way. They have the same training as everyone in our society about avoiding this subject in all it's details involving sex past and present, same-sex "stuff", etc, etc. Avoiding it just doesn't work.

So, talking to other survivors of sexual abuse works better I think. Not perfect. They tend to understand quickly. Their experiences are often the same, similar or give them insight. That just shatters isolation and feeling lonely from it in time. And shame too ... IN TIME. Both people benefit too, the "listener". Give it time. In three years, I've gotten so I don't much care who knows I was molested. I've talked on TV even a bit. The shame is almost completely gone and totally manageable, minor. Big help. Let's you work with it all and progress. And help others, which helps you too. We need "connection" to others.

Start "talking" , online perhaps, and perhaps in time, find other survivors in your area to talk to in person. Trust me. They are out there, JUST LIKE YOU. I've seen it over and over. It's hard, painful, you don't want to do it, but those who do, stick with it, always seem to say it's SO worth it.

You can do it. Find what help works for you. I can't predict your future, but I hope you are one of us who quickly finds there are ways to steadily make changes for the better. MUCH better. Perhaps more than you've ever dreamed possible.
_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard