Friday was supposed to be my 2nd session with my new EMDR T, the one I've been working up towards since starting therapy again in September. An event that I was terrified of, but ready to do...
But, on Thursday, someone from her office called me to tell me that she (my T) was sick, and could we re-schedule. I was frustrated, but yeah sure. I booked for this Friday. Then, I called back and was like, "Hey, I wanted to do this. Is she available Monday?" So I booked for Monday.
This morning, another call from her office, saying she is still sick. Cancelled on me again. This is not good.
While I can understand in a logical and rational sense that these things can happen, and there's nothing one can do about being sick, and the flu in my area is going around, etc... the wounded part of me doesn't give a shit about what makes rational sense.
To my wounded self, I've been blown off twice in a row by someone I need to trust to make this work.
I called my original T, the one who recommended me to her, to see if I could come in to see him this week, and he told me sorry, he was booked solid.
So now I got all these emotions bubbling up at the surface that I usually keep bottled up, and there's nowhere for them to go. And I don't have anyone to talk to.
Fuck. Fuck me. It's a firehose and I can't turn it off.
"There is a Catskill eagle in some souls that can alike dive down into the blackest gorges, and soar out of them again and become invisible in the sunny spaces... even in his lowest swoop the mountain eagle is still higher than other birds upon the plain, even though they soar." -- from Moby-Dick