Fear is what used to stop me from loving in the sense of dropping my defensive walls and allowing someone to fully engage my heart. I was afraid because my siblings not only rejected me, but they became sarcastic and demeaning, ridiculing me. My siblings also sexually abused me. My parents believed in corporal punishment when they were angry, the beatings were stopped when they were tired, not due to incident or indiscretion.
Fear. Maybe more to the point, a supporter may be confused because when a supporter meets their survivor, he was happy, funny, unconcerned, took chances and made you feel special. He was attentive and co dependent, eating, sleeping, driving and working became about you. Please dear supporter, do not confuse these things for love and openness, they are not. It is decades of creating the perfect wall to hide behind, and dear supporter, we are not laughing when you are hurt, we are screaming, we are terrified, we are clawing at the walls we make, hating them and yet desperately needing them lest we are overtaken again.
We love, we cannot trust. Happiness, hope, safety and comfort all come with a terrible opposite, because we MUST control ourselves, or we will be destroyed.