I am surprised by this WP. I guess I don't know why you think you are part of his cycle of shame and why he would be better off without you? All I have heard is positive changes and steps forward in recovery during the life of your relationship with him. What makes you think being with his ex would actually be better for him? Just because he had a child with someone or because he was with her for 12 years does not mean she was the "right" person for him. I was with my Ex a total of 10 years, but putting in "the time" did not make him right for me.
Please know, I am NOT saying that you SHOULD stay with him, I just hope that others have not told you that you SHOULD NOT stay with him because you do not belong to the "first wives/partners club". Please do not let anyone play out their resentments through your feelings of guilt. Your experience and relationship is as unique as a snowflake. Many F&F talk as if all survivors are the same man, but they are not. They may have similar triggers and similar reactions, but they are individuals. My son has autism and while there are many similarities in the strengths and weaknesses that individuals with autism have, they still all have different personalities. CSA does not make a person who they are any more than autism does, it just creates similar struggles, similar weaknesses and YES, even similar strengths. And sometimes, just maybe, someone is acting like an arse to their partner because they are an arse... CSA does not define, explain or excuse every behaviour in an individual.
I am no expert in DID, but maybe things get a lot worse because healing is beginning. I have read many survivors stories on here who's trauma symptoms got worse when they began recovery because they were finally allowing themselves to feel again. Because they felt safe to feel again. I firmly believe chaos is required for meaningful change.
Perhaps I don't know what I am talking about with DID... please trust your instincts above all. Listen to your gut. NONE of us have the answers for YOU... they are all inside you already. Our role here is to give you a safe place to explore your thoughts and feelings and gain the confidence to listen to your inner voice. We are your witnesses and your support network.
Now with that said, if there is any part of you that is thinking of leaving because this experience has been too overwhelming, then allow your health and happiness be your guide. It can be incredibly draining being a supporter, especially to someone in such a state of chaos and disassociation. People who work in the field of mental health need breaks because of the secondary trauma that can occur, and these people are not emotionally connected to it! Do what you need to care for and protect yourself first. As the age old advice goes, always put on your oxygen mask first, because you can't help anyone if you suffocate first.
Take your time WP. Decisions do not need to be made in haste. Take a break, take a deep breath and spend some introspective time deciding what is right for you and your partner.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky