Martin - It is funny how things work. I haven't logged on here in a long time and I did today EXACTLY because I wanted to vent about what your wife is probably upset with AKA (as you call it) my H being an "emotional retard". I call it "playing the victim" H pushed people away and then feels THEY slighted him when they are no longer available to him.
Your post is so far the only one I read and I found the words I need.
"As for relating to your wife and daughter, do you ask them questions about their lives, their hopes, their thoughts and opinions? Do you spend quiet time with them just being and enjoying their company? Do you go out and do fun things together and laugh together? These are things that make us feel wanted and valued as human beings and individuals. There is no time limit on when you can start to do them."
That is exactly it. That is what I need so perhaps that is what your wife needs. For me, without it, it leaved a horrible hollow feeling inside me and H doesn't want to hear it.
Think about those words, try them, see what happens. I am going to post some variation of that on my frig.