the courage to finally register and post here.

a new year and hopefully some real change.

Sick of my addiction to porn. I know why I do it: to overwhelm myself. To turn off pain through sheer overload.

I don't know how to stop. It's not about achieving a high for me -- its about going numb. Its more like cutting that way, not to feel good but to be so overloaded with sensation that all feeling turns off.

I have had bad experiences with stupid therapists and at this point in my life I really don't have the money anyway.

I also have a sleep disorder which makes it very hard for me to keep any kind of schedule for either group or one-on-one therapy.

But I need to do something. It is not healthy for me and it stops me from looking at myself honestly. I hope that makes sense.

I am very interested if anyone has any words of advice or strategies. My wife is incredibly understanding and has installed protective software on the computer, but I am too smart with computers and always find a way around when I get obsessed.

This is already more than I meant to share. I am more than willing to hear anything any of you are willing to say.
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.