I have wanted to post but as I have learnt more, I have become increasingly scared of the judgement and how I will be received.
I met my partner two years ago. He has left his 12 year relationship, his girlfriend was pregnant, and told me it was because the relationship was very unhealthy and he need to break away from co dependency in order to be a good father. That their relationship wouldn't be good for their daughter as they both had so much fear and anxiety together.
I took it at face value - fell in love with him and we began a relationship. I look back and feel I should have known something was wrong. And maybe my background of emotional abuse at home stopped me seeing this (I have finished therapy for this and feel strong in myself though). I don't know. I blame myself hugely.
When I met him he was overweight, binge ate, drank a lot, and was very shy, and truly lovely - the best man I've ever met. In time he began to self care, stopped binge eating, got healthy, became t total (I am and he decided to join me) and became more confident in himself, outgoing, allowed me to compliment him on who he was, and his skill at his job- which before he wouldn't. Intimacy/sexual confidence was a huge issue for him but I put it down to his body image issues and we openly discussed his feelings around it and overcame it over time, with a lot of love and awareness in intimate situations.
In Feb of this year he told me in detail that he had been abused aged 8 by a close family member. Really horrific abuse, and I think there is more to be remembered. I held him and told him it was not his fault, I loved him and loved him even more now for the strength in speaking out, and that his voice mattered.
Since that point however the trauma has really exploded and when triggered he is now hugely aggressive, verbally abusive, seeking control, retribution. I understand it as have been educating myself as much as I can - but it is still very overwhelming. I have found a wonderful therapist who is willing to work with his current therapist to transition him over (with his approval), as his current therapist is not qualified to deal with CSA and complex trauma and wants to refer him on.
He is not seeing his daughter as she triggers him. He trusts no one, is paranoid. Binge eating again in that cycle of self harm and shame. Wants to take steroids to get big so no one will hurt him. All running from pain I know. It is heart breaking to see.
Having read so many stories of wives and long term partners being left on here, I suddenly have come to realise I am one of the women who a survivor has run to. The ones referred to as the 'whores' on this site.
I feel like the foundations I thought the last 2 years were built on were not real, that I did something terrible by being with him, and he should be back with his ex. She is still waiting for him to go back to her. I see the hurt of women on here who have been left. And I feel now that I am responsible for causing that pain to another woman. I just didn't realise. I thought I knew what we had and that him facing this with me was a positive, albeit incredibly hard thing.
I now worry that part of his current trauma is the shame of leaving her. That he is in this crisis point because he is not where he needs to be to heal. I don't know. I want to do the right thing by him. If that means stepping away and losing him then I will do that as his pain is terrible to see. But how do I know. He insists he wants to be with me. But these drivers are not in consciousness a lot of the time.. I am not a horrible person, but think i really messed up by getting with him. I don't want to add to his shame and pain. And i certainly do not want to be the cause of his relationship break up if he was running from the CAS and not their relationship issues. If there are harsh words for me I understand.