I am glad you are here talking about what has happened. I understand your feelings of distrust and the need to connect wit the abuser. I too have a part of me that wants to go back to my abuser--a priest--I fight it and I am repulsed by the thoughts of needing the abuse or the abuser. But unfortunately that part of me fights and takes over--I leave and loose time. What happens during that time is unknown to me. My T has said what you have said-I am seeking the abuse--I have a part of me that has unresolved feelings for the abuser and like you why did I go back, why didn't I tell anyone, I must have wanted it and enjoyed it. I am told we all have parts--but for us who were sexually abused as children, our parts most likely are not integrated like most people. We have two different parts with different views of the abuse.
I have difficulty with it, and I am working to integrate--it is slow and some events in my life recently disrupted the progress and set me back into long periods of lost time. I am fighting, like you I want to be whole.
You will find support here, you will need to feel safe, it is the only way one can open up. In my safe places I can talk about what happened and my feelings. In places I do not feel safe I am on edge, anxious and the memories are triggered.
Stay well and strong, never consider a fall a failure--it is one step closer to healing.