man I just want you to know you are not alone. so much of what you write rings true to me. I ignored much of my early abuse. because it was female and as I gathered info from whatever sources I could it seemed that I should have been happy and a willing participant but I was not and that. so what did that say about me? but it seemed to keep happening that the girls were interested in me and everything seemed so sexualized the more I didn't want it... the more there was something wrong with me. and the religious training told me that being involved in those things was wrong but there I was. I am still there
I can relate yo you praying about it I do it constantly and "what is wrong with me why cant I let this go?" I never tried to actually deal with this until recently and maybe you are right I sure hope so. maybe in time we will be free
heal well man
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"