I'm not suicidal. I've been suicidal multiple times, but I'm too much a coward to actually do it.

I just want to die, and have wanted to die for most of my life.

I'm sorry you've had all the pains you've had associated with having relationships.

The major reason why I want to die is simply this - I've never had an authentic connection to another human being. I've never fallen in love.

I'm alone most of the time, except for coffee and lunches with program friends and acquaintances.

I'm lonely. I'm a loner, and don't want to be. I've been working hard at overcoming all of this, and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm still lonely and I'm still a loner.

I envy that you've had 2 times where you fell in love. How lucky you are. It is those experiences that give us opportunities to really find out whats inside of ourselves.

me? I'm just a cheap imitation for a human being. I've discovered there is a huge, huge part of me that is comatose, unable to be discovered or explored simply because - I've never been in a relationship, and have never had one of those types of experiences. The close friendships I used to have, I was abusive, controlling and manipulative. When I realized the damage I was doing to others, I stopped. That was 12 years ago. I haven't had any close friends since.

I'm so fucking lonely. I'm social, but the extent of my being social is with people who I don't really click with, nor do I really have a great time.

You're so fucking lucky. You fell in love. TWICE!



Originally Posted By: genedebs
Magellan,

What can I say, I thought there were rules against this, but I will respond to you with my erxperience. I attempted suicide the first tim,e when I was seven. The black buick stopped about 6 inches short of where I stood. I ran away.

At 11 I tried again, that time it was a bus that stopped. Boy did the bus drivber yell at me.

At fifteen I found alcohol. The first time I drank, I drank to a black out. I discover it diddn't matter. If I was in a black out I wasn't there. So when the emotional pain was too great, I just went to a black out.

I was in love at 19, married at twenty, a father at 23, and 25, and 27, and 30. After the second child, I could not just go to black out - I had to be there for my kids. So, I began to self mutilate.

I was 37 when the world crashed in on me. The therapist made me realize that both of my parents had done terrible things to me. I was "patched up and put back out."

I was working for the Governor's office in Colorado. A friend of mine got fired so I went with him to form a business. The Attorney General filed felony charges against us.

Even though the charges were dismissed at preliminary hearing, the state prohibited any public agencies to contract with us.

I turned suicidal again even though I could still get to a black out. But, I was diagnosed with chronic depression and PTSD an put on meds. I discovered more colors when I was on meds.

I got sober and my stuggle with not drinking kept me away from suicide plans for 594 days. Then the compulsion to drink was removed. They increased my med dosage and monitored me closely.

Instead of a counselor or psychologist they placed me under the care of a psychiatrist and her nurse. Insteat of brief therapy, they gave me a therapy session every week. And they taught me all the technology to stop my negative thinking, and cope. And I still had self mutilation as a back up. In my third year of sobriety my wife through me out of the house. I learned that if I burned myself on microwave popcorn I would never leave a scar.

I cared for my parents till they died (mother in 1999, father in 2001). Then I left Denver for St. Louis. Stopped therapy, lost my leg, lost my health insurance.

Fell in love, took the Beck inventory and scored like npormal people feel when they lose their job. That was the lowest level of depression I had registed since 1986.

So yes, I truly know what it is like to spend most of my life suicidal.

However, I can be there for my kids and grandkids, this would never have happened had I been dead. I no longer think the world is a totally hostile environment, I am no longer paranoid (and when I get those feelings I know it is between my ears, not in the real world). My grand kids are always happy to see me, even the shy one.

I am living on disability. I have about $10,000 in savings. And that is my retirement. I take 22 pills a day. I go to therapy twice a week, and I struggle.

But life has finally proven that waking up in the morning is better than dreading it.

Our stpories are all differemnt. We are all the same. Trust us as your comrades, it does get worth living.


I
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It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).