Magellan,

I totally understand where you are coming from. It just seems to be a Catch 22 situation, where when you trust and love someone enough to open up, they desert you. If you stay quiet, they never understand why you act the way you do, or feel the way you feel.

Long story short, I'm in a crappy marriage with one child. I've never told my wife about my CSA, and likely never will. Honestly, I don't know if I can trust her with it after past experiences. Looking back, I think the only reason I did get married was in order to do what was expected of me and try and fit in.

Recently, I ended up having an affair which was supposed to be meaningless. Turns out I ended up getting emotionally attached, and actually trusted her. It's extremely rare for me to actually feel like that around anyone. Things seemed to be great until I opened up to her. Communication went to crap after that, going from friends, and after talking tonight, it looks like she is even wanting to nullify the friendship as well.

It seems any time I find someone who I can be comfortable with and share my past so they understand me ends up leaving. I'm not sure if it is because they are disgusted, shocked, unable to comprehend what happened, or the inability to want to have to deal with it.

Like you, I would really love to find someone who can accept me for who and what I am. I'm sick of all the lies and excuses I have to make up to cover my moods. I'm sick of having to pretend I am happy and normal. I just want to be accepted and understood by someone I can be honest with.