Nobody on my end.

You (and everyone else) appears to be blessed.

I'm starting to become convinced that I'm just an asshole and don't know it or something.

I seriously don't get it.
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It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM