Is it unreasonable to believe that I am unlovable because nobody has ever loved me?
Because this is the sad truth of my life. People might find me initially sexy and appealing, but 100% of them, after they get to know WHO I am, bail. They leave, and I'm no longer sexy anymore. Do I have bad breath? is it my crossed eyes? Is it because my hearing is fucked up? Is it because I'm a social misfit? Is it all of these things (It's a *lot* of baggage).
Happened again this year, and this was EXTREMELY painful. I love him madly, and he initially really got into me, but once he found out who I am (with all my issues), he backed off, and is now being polite and acting like a platonic friend. Yesterday he started giving off signals that he was desiring to back off even from our friendship.
I guess I'm not a good friend to have. I'm undesirable. Maybe I'm a self centered asshole. I'm too focused on my own issues to provide any meaningful or humorous company that inspires and creates desire for more. It never happens.
I'm so fucking lonely, and so fucking tired of sleeping alone in my bed and coming home to an empty house. The closest I came to having a companion was a good 'fuck buddy' that I couldn't trust (he had a tendency to lie).
So, how is it inaccurate to believe that I am unlovable when I look at all the lost opportunities for love due to the fact that the other person always bails once they start getting to know me? I'm the common denominator in all of this, and it has to be me (I'm not blaming anyone else, I'm taking responsibility).
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.
-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).