(((DarkHadou))) It is frustrating, the chaos thoughts in our head that we try to wade through in murky shallows to come up with some reasoning that makes the connection between the reality of the world around us and the torment of abuse though years gone by.
Search for her, second to your continuing recovery of course. Look for those who would fill that void in your life, ask those questions, find those traits. Double date with a safe person. Always have a safe person you can trust. If that is unavailable for you, date in the daytime, and walk or bicycle everywhere.
Trust, a word so foreign, so unknown. Trust. The truth of trust is waiting to be found by you, but the whole of it is for a time in the future. Keep seeking, DarkHadou, keep learning, feeling and recovering, my best to you fellow survivor.