Thanks Matt; I'm not fucking guys on the side, but I have in my mind many times. I can't explain it, so I couldn't explain it to her. She's so concerned with whether she's enough for me because I admitted to masturbating to gay porn, and she doesn't get how any straight man could do that. I told her I didn't understand either which is why I hired a therapist. It's hard to deal with the truth of being a man who's a father and husband, but also thinks about other men. And to everyone, I'd imagine, including her, she thinks that I'm gay. We've been together for 10 plus years, and I've always tried to protect her from this pain, this hurt, this ugly side of my life. I will definitely talk to my therapist about a good time to pull her into my sessions; I just don't know if I'm strong enough to talk about fantasies with other guys with my wife. I already feel dirty and worthless, less than a man. That would totally emasculate me. I want to feel like a man, and right now, I just feel damaged and out of control. Why can't I control it? Why couldn't I handle this before it got to this point? Thanks for the advice, and I know moving past this is possibly because you've done it, so thank you for sharing.
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)