Wow, that's horrible. I'm so sorry she is being completely unsympathetic and selfish on the effects of your abuse.
A few quick questions:
-How much of the details of your abuse had she known?
-Have you ever had consensual, adult sex with a man?
-Have you ever cheated on her? Ever with a man?
-Do you use drugs?
Because it's time to educate her on standards and norms damn fast.
Make it plain to her that you were raped as a child. Repeatedly. By someone whom you trusted who had authority over you. That it is an undisputed psychiatric fact that such experiences can cause same-sex fantasies and thoughts, but that thoughts are not the same as actions.
If she just found out you're fucking guys on the side, then you've got monumental challenges ahead of you to keep this marriage going. But if you've been faithful to her, it's way appropriate to re-focus the conversation on the trauma and betrayal of your rape, how you tried to put your life together afterwards, have been the best husband and father that you can, and that ultimately thoughts never hurt anybody. Unless everybody drooling over a Lamborghini on the highway is now a car thief!
Tell her you're sorry the porn disturbs her and you'll "work on it." Reassure her that she's the only woman for you and she's been faithful to you.
And redirect the conversation back to your own pain, treatment, and coping, because that's something she has no choice but to deal with. And if she rejects you for being a rape victim, then she can't be trusted to provide unconditional emotional support / safety to the children.
Perhaps try putting her directly in contact with your therapist or having her sit in on a session?
Best of luck and be strong. I had my wife find out about both my abuse and my bisexuality / straight-with-SSA issue by sneaking through my things and reading this website. She confronted me in tears, demanding to know if there was something man-like I'd seen in her in order to marry her. I was able to convince her of the truth and we got past it. I hope you can too.
Edited by SoccerStar (12/26/12 06:56 PM)
"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny