thanks everyone
This "secret" must be told. the light has to shine on it it is way too easy to slip back to that place the only way to avoid it it seems is to share it
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville