I have not posted for awhile here, almost two years. I thought I had gotten a hold of these things, SSA and Porn, (all types); however, I just ended up ruining Christmas. We had just gone to my organizations Christmas Party the day before. We had an awesome time, and then when we returned home we had the best love making session ever. I wanted more, I always want more, but she was tired, so I watched some porn.(I never get enough, and she thinks that it's because she's not enough) On Christmas Eve, she decided to use my phone to look for something and found my browser locked on gay porn. She was devastated. I have not been able to consul her at all. She wants to hurt me, and also hug the hurt away she says. She asked if I was gay, and I said no, but she didn't understand how I could look at gay porn and not be gay. How could I make such passionate love to her after watching gay porn? I told her it's because I was molested as a child from age 5 to 12 by an older male cousin, and that it's the sex, not the person. She said that I told her but never gave details, and I said, I know. I want on to tell her that I look at all types of porn when we have fights, I'm stressed at work, when I feel depressed, or when I'm upset that we haven't been intimate, It's my safe place, and I feel better, for the moment, before the guilt and shame set in. I told her that I was getting worse which is why I hired a therapist in January. I finally told her that my therapist specializes in men who where molested as boys. She has been crying and angry; she won't even look at me. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed; I couldn't even look at her. I don't know what to do. She wants me to promise not to look at porn, but I can't promise that. She wanted me to tell her everything, and I wasn't ready to tell the details of my molestation. That made her angry. Now, she states that she doesn't trust me, and doesn't want me alone. For the past two days, when I go to the bathroom, she follows and paces to make sure I'm not surfing the web. She says that she can't trust me any more, and that she's not enough for me because of the type of porn I was watching. I tried to tell her. I tried to explain, but she just doesn't understand. Understandably, she's hurt, she doesn't trust me, and she's questioned my sexuality three times. I'm losing it; I just can't take it. My therapist hasn't called because its the holiday, and I need help. I'm devastated that I had to tell her I was penetrated. I couldn't tell her about the SSA or other details because she thinks I'm gay now, and she keeps asking why me? Then she reads about it and talks to me nicely, and the next minute she states she wants to hurt me or punch me in the fucking face. I feel lost; my wife knows that another man penetrated me, and that is hard for me to accept. I'm trying not to lose it over here. She told me a needed to tell her everything and if she finds out I haven't, we're done. But there's so much she doesn't know, and that I'm not ready to tell. I can't tell. My life in over; I have two sons, and I don't want to lose them or waking up in the same house with them. I want this to be over; this is my worst nightmare coming true. Sorry for rambling, but I need guidance here please, somebody, please...I truly do love my wife and our family, but I've tried to stop feeling aroused by other guys, and I've tried not to look at porn, but I'm powerless, and more so now because I'm not happy professionally. I want my life back, and I'm angry because it feels like I'm being molested all over again. Please, somebody, talk me through this.
Edited by Kryptic (12/26/12 12:58 PM)
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)