Originally Posted By: Chase Eric

I asked the very same question several months ago
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[from the older, linked thread]
The implications are staggering. I may have well been gay before the abuse started. But there is always that question - what if my abuse made me gay???

I think that is the scariest thing about this whole journey for some of us. It was for me, because if the abuse DID make me gay, then it has effectively given god-like powers to my molester. Isn't my whole life - at least my entire sexual identity - then just a fabrication of the fantasies he made me act out with him?


This kills me. Just utterly cuts out my heart and is one of my biggest obstacles to recovery.

The thought that my prolonged sexual identity crisis might not have been just "struggling to find myself" but in fact could have been "myself, struggling against the effect of an attack" was emotionally devastating. It would mean there had been not the one attack but well over a decade's worth of them, that my victimization had continued throughout most of my formative life and that nearly all of the worst feelings I'd ever had were the direct result of him. It has left me unable to think of that man with any emotion other than a near-supernatural terror, I've not moved on from the terror since and kind of can't envision a time when I could.

The not-knowing, of such a foundational element of one's own personal identity (if it IS "one's own") is the uttermost among violations. I have been at the point of *BEGGING* my T for some way to mentally box this out, to find an answer, to know. She, quite rationally, says there just is no way to know, that it certainly wouldn't be a surprise for there to have been some impact or another to some degree, very rational, very clinical. And in nearly every aspect of my life that's who I am, the rational clinical one, the one who has even been able to "box up" sexual assault in and of itself by classifying it as part of the spectrum of primate behavior that humans inherited and our constructed individualisms and civilizational norms haven't yet caught-up-to. I can "see" a chimp just beating the living shit out of another chimp with any mechanism necessary in a manner that brings the aggressor some satisfaction. It's a "box" that, rationally, makes some sense to me. I damn well don't LIKE it, but it makes rational sense.

But this? A spiral of terror and doubt, aimless, in the dark.


Edited by SoccerStar (12/25/12 11:09 PM)
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