Cant this is an intense topic for myself as well, 0 memories of anything prior to my abuse, so the question becomes who am I? So I look at who I was before I remembered, during my denial, yes I was living with 40 years of PTSD but who am I? I think that the core of who you are canít be changed; yes your behaviors are different, think triggers etc. but who you are never changes. Iím not the first to postulate that in cases like yours and mine where there is nothing prior to the abuse itís easier because there is no dichotomy in our psyches just a broken mind trying to find safety from the internal storm. No disparity of perception of reality to whatís in your mind; everything is fearful, no one to trust, you have to look inward for everything, no one is going to help you, your all alone, and you feel your drowning, drowning in fear. Listening to the heartbreaking reality of those here that recount before and after, listen to what they say, itís not that theyíre different but that theyíre re-actions are different, inside their still these great kids with hopes and dreams; just that after exposure to hell on earth how can you act like nothing happened, how can you just move on from such horrific treatment from others? They now know the cold hard reality of life that has always been our reality, no one cares, youíre all alone, youíre not worth the time of day let alone a real life. I think at a certain point you know that everything youíve done up to a point is a lie, but is it? Thatís the hard part for me right now, bringing together the life of bs I put together outside this denied reality of mine, and realizing that Iím still the same person, even with dealing with this shit every waking second. I know that if I wasnít abused I wouldnít be where Iím at, I wouldnít be married to a wonderful lady, and have 2 great sons, not sure where Iíd be, but understand me, I would be so very different in my behaviors, both of my parents were not only 1000% self-absorbed but also very reprehensible people, I donít want to fathom that, its why intellectually Iíd have 0 problem having never been abused, but I could never give up the love I know. Its why there has to a God, how else can you explain my life?
"When you're out of the blue and into the black."